Friday, December 2, 2022

Wednesday Addams’ Perfect Guy

Wednesday Addams stood in line outside the speed dating room, contemplating the sign taped to the door: We have a heart for you! She had been searching for so long, at least seventy-two hours. If she had only known about this place earlier.


The guy in front of her said, “Three minutes isn’t enough time to know if you want someone to stick around.”


Wednesday examined his jugular veins. “Do you enjoy exsanguination?” she said.


“I don’t think so.”


“Do you have any contagious diseases?”


“No, what does—”


“No mononucleosis? No methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus? Not even COVID?”


“Of course not!”


“Then don’t stick around,” she told him.


After the fruitless exchange, Wednesday decided to allow the next guy more than mere seconds to express himself.


“Is this your first time?” the second guy said.


Wednesday nodded.


“It’s intimidating,” he said. “So many rules, so little time.”


“So many witnesses,” Wednesday said.


“I know,” he said, rolling his eyes at the sign on the door. “You had my bleeding heart at hello.”


Wednesday smiled at him, and he didn’t flinch. The hours she spent practicing in front of the mirror had paid off.


They walked down the block, smiling at each other. Wednesday stopped when they reached the Addams family hearse.


Covering his mouth, the guy whispered, “Maybe we shouldn’t be this cheery so close to the dead.”


“That’s just my brother, Pugsley,” Wednesday said. “He likes riding in the coffin, and Lurch spoils him. Besides, we enjoy doing things together.”


“You brought your brother on a date?” The guy shook his head at Wednesday, and began backing away. He bumped into Lurch.


Lurch grunted.


The guy yelped, wide eyes going back and forth between Lurch and Pugsley—who kept waving and grinning wildly from inside the coffin. “I’m into a lot of things, lady, but sharing my heart with other men isn’t one of them.”


“Don’t worry,” she said, “Pugsley only wants your brain. Granny Addams called dibs on your entrails and teeth. The rest is up for grabs. Except your heart. Your heart will bleed just for me.” She flashed him a real Wednesday Addams smile. And this time, he flinched and whimpered. 


He was perfect.


there is a chance that I might be enjoying Tim Burton’s Wednesday a bit too much

 - for Poets and Storytellers United--Friday Writings #55: Bleeding Hearts.


  1. Ha ha and Oh, No! I got sucked in, but of course I'm always looking for a happier ending.

  2. Hmm. The Addams Family are funny and a challenge because they don't seem to harm humans, just to be completely alien. They eat fungus. A very frightened human's sweat (etc.) might help the fungus grow, though...

  3. This was a delightful afternoon giggle!

  4. Hee hee - dibs on the entrails and teeth.

  5. “So many witnesses,” Wednesday said. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I enjoyed the series too. Wednesday is my kinda gal.

  6. Thank you ...

    Have a good weekend, they seem to come around so quickly :)

    All the best Jan

  7. I'm actually watching this move tonight. Can't wait.

  8. Reminds me of the first doctors. They were barbers who could leach blood form their clients/patients. Most used the bugs, leeches, to purge the bad blood out.

    1. Read, google, "Who was the first barber ever? - Mane Caper"

  9. So I don't know this show/movie(?) so I have no context at all... sigh... I see a netflix link.. let me check if it is available here!!!

  10. Heehee, very creepy cute! At first I thought she needed an organ donor for a family member, but sounds like they just want to play with him... pieces of him.

  11. A darkly delicious story, Maga. I also learned a new word; exsanguination, and it works well in your piece. :)

  12. hahaha, "So many witnesses"! 😂
    I am glad she let the first guy off.
    My kid was watching the series the other day and i joined in halfway and i must say it's quite addictive. 😀

  13. i love this!
    love & magicks

  14. This is how I imagine a grown-up Wednesday would be!

  15. out for Granny! This also conjures up my worries about on-line-dating and such. ha


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