You can put her in your own perfect box,
call her pretty, label her
You can crack her chest, shroud
with socially approved visions,
burn your own Revelations into her skull.
Do as you will with a worm, but if there’s a spine... “Run!”
- for Poets and Storytellers United--Friday Writings #25: Let’s Rewrite, where an intelligent, sexy, and unbelievably modest host invites us to take a poem or story we wrote many years ago (preferably, one that wasn’t exactly awesome), and rewrite it. I rewrote a piece first crafted in 2013, and posted it below.
Put her in a manmade box.
Call her pretty,
free of the filth that cloaks the unthinking.
Once her faith follows your fib,
wound a porthole into her wooden chest.
Let stagnation ooze into her eyeball
burn revelations into her skull.
Help her brain boil in the molasses of rotten hopes
of forever heavenly white clouds.
Always whisper of salvation, of the truth
that lies eternal,
or until a sheep cares not to be mouthless.
photo by hannah grace, on Unsplash
Wow, how much clearer and more powerful that rewrite!ReplyDelete
I'm so happy you find it to be so. I really enjoyed the rewrite.Delete
I love what you have done with it Some stunning lines in there likeReplyDelete
'shroud her eyes with socially approved visions'
and 'Do as you will with a worm, but if there’s a spine... “Run'
I must say that the one you wrote originally is quite good too
Thanks very much, dear Marja.Delete
That's one powerful metaphor at the last line.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Gillena.Delete
Very strong, vivid writing Magaly - truly stimulating... And what a strong finish to your 2013 piece: "Always whisper of salvation, of the truthReplyDelete
that lies eternal,
or until a sheep cares not to be mouthless." I love that...
I'm very glad you feel it to be so.Delete
Great update! And I also like the words in the photo -- "write without fear, edit without mercy"ReplyDelete
I, too, enjoyed that quote. Very motivating.Delete
That re-write is hella killer and super timely all things considered. Beware the ones with a spine. We have a way of smashing boxes and using the left overs to build up the things we value.ReplyDelete
Let the rebuilding begin!Delete
Much stronger rewrite (and certainly reflects on the strong woman you are."ReplyDelete
Thank you, Debi.Delete
It is fun to see how we mature in our writing as years go by - both are very interesting and a few lines are sad to lose but this rewrite is powerful.ReplyDelete
I agree. Seeing our ink grow is both educational and thrilling.Delete
Edit without Mercy...... something I should practice more often.ReplyDelete
You and me both! :)Delete
I agree - the rewrite is much more powerful. Packs quite a punch!ReplyDelete
Glad you think so!Delete
I must say, the last line of the rewrite is a killer. :)ReplyDelete
The original is already good, but the rewrite is so much more intense, the imagery darker to help put the message across.
Thank you so much. I am glad the rewrite communicates what I wanted.Delete
I think there are many "worms" that are about to grow spines in the USA, and the "squishers" had indeed better run!ReplyDelete
I totally agree.Delete
Also, those who have remained passive in the past, better start growing a spine, too... in self-defense.Delete
Your original poem, wowza, what a punch of images and emotions! Your revision is subtle, but still takes a potent bite at the subject. Love them both.ReplyDelete
Thank you so much.Delete
Nice tightened up poem.ReplyDelete
The sheep! The sheep! A perfect ending. It tells the whole story.ReplyDelete
Your re-wright is so powerful. Brilliantly written my friend.ReplyDelete
Thank you so much, my dearest!Delete
I actually love the line "burn (your own) revelations into her skull"... am so glad it stayed... strong resonance with reality we encounter, still, sadly.ReplyDelete
Sad, indeed... that so much remains unchanged. Sigh.Delete
That's an accomplished rewrite, Maga. And that last line...it's pregnant with meaning.ReplyDelete
Thank you so much, Khaya!Delete
Excellent rewrite! I love the sheep.ReplyDelete
Boom! And I like how you narrowed it down in the rewrite.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Colleen.Delete
As with the others, I love love love that last line of the rewrite. The succinctness of the thought and feeling all boiled down to this... run. This girl's got your back.ReplyDelete
And this girl got yours!Delete
My good wishes.
All the best Jan
Thank you, Jan.Delete