Thursday, May 5, 2022

Do as You Will, but…

You can put her in your own perfect box,
call her pretty, label her
protected.

You can crack her chest, shroud her eyes
with socially approved visions,
burn your own Revelations into her skull.

Do as you will with a worm, but if there’s a spine... “Run!”


- for Poets and Storytellers United--Friday Writings #25: Let’s Rewrite,
where an intelligent, sexy, and unbelievably modest host invites us to take a poem or story we wrote many years ago (preferably, one that wasn’t exactly awesome), and rewrite it. I rewrote a piece first crafted in 2013, and posted it below.


Put her in a manmade box.
Call her pretty,
special, protected,
free of the filth that cloaks the unthinking.
Once her faith follows your fib,
wound a porthole into her wooden chest.
Let stagnation ooze into her eyeball
burn revelations into her skull.
Help her brain boil in the molasses of rotten hopes
of forever heavenly white clouds.
Always whisper of salvation, of the truth
that lies eternal,
or until a sheep cares not to be mouthless.
 


photo by hannah grace, on Unsplash

23 comments:

  1. Wow, how much clearer and more powerful that rewrite!

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  2. I love what you have done with it Some stunning lines in there like
    'shroud her eyes with socially approved visions'
    and 'Do as you will with a worm, but if there’s a spine... “Run'
    I must say that the one you wrote originally is quite good too

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  3. That's one powerful metaphor at the last line.
    Happy Friday

    Much💛love

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  4. Very strong, vivid writing Magaly - truly stimulating... And what a strong finish to your 2013 piece: "Always whisper of salvation, of the truth
    that lies eternal,
    or until a sheep cares not to be mouthless." I love that...

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  5. Great update! And I also like the words in the photo -- "write without fear, edit without mercy"

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  6. That re-write is hella killer and super timely all things considered. Beware the ones with a spine. We have a way of smashing boxes and using the left overs to build up the things we value.

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  7. Much stronger rewrite (and certainly reflects on the strong woman you are."

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  8. It is fun to see how we mature in our writing as years go by - both are very interesting and a few lines are sad to lose but this rewrite is powerful.

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  9. Edit without Mercy...... something I should practice more often.

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  10. I agree - the rewrite is much more powerful. Packs quite a punch!

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  11. I must say, the last line of the rewrite is a killer. :)
    The original is already good, but the rewrite is so much more intense, the imagery darker to help put the message across.

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  12. I think there are many "worms" that are about to grow spines in the USA, and the "squishers" had indeed better run!

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  13. Your original poem, wowza, what a punch of images and emotions! Your revision is subtle, but still takes a potent bite at the subject. Love them both.

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  14. The sheep! The sheep! A perfect ending. It tells the whole story.

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  15. Your re-wright is so powerful. Brilliantly written my friend.

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  16. I actually love the line "burn (your own) revelations into her skull"... am so glad it stayed... strong resonance with reality we encounter, still, sadly.

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  17. That's an accomplished rewrite, Maga. And that last line...it's pregnant with meaning.

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  18. Boom! And I like how you narrowed it down in the rewrite.

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  19. As with the others, I love love love that last line of the rewrite. The succinctness of the thought and feeling all boiled down to this... run. This girl's got your back.

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  20. Very nice.
    My good wishes.

    All the best Jan

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I love your insightful remarks. So, go ahead, let them fly…

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