You can put her in your own perfect box,
call her pretty, label her
protected.
You can crack her chest, shroud
her eyes
with socially approved visions,
burn your own Revelations into
her skull.
Do as you will with a worm, but if there’s a spine... “Run!”
- for Poets and Storytellers United--Friday Writings #25: Let’s Rewrite, where an intelligent,
sexy, and unbelievably modest host invites us to take a poem or story we wrote
many years ago (preferably, one that wasn’t exactly awesome), and rewrite it. I rewrote a piece first crafted in 2013,
and posted it below.
Put her in a manmade box.
Call her pretty,
special, protected,
free of the filth that cloaks
the unthinking.
Once her faith follows your fib,
wound a porthole into her wooden
chest.
Let stagnation ooze into her
eyeball
burn revelations into her skull.
Help her brain boil in the
molasses of rotten hopes
of forever heavenly white
clouds.
Always whisper of salvation, of
the truth
that lies eternal,
or until a sheep cares not to be
mouthless.
Wow, how much clearer and more powerful that rewrite!
ReplyDeleteI love what you have done with it Some stunning lines in there like
ReplyDelete'shroud her eyes with socially approved visions'
and 'Do as you will with a worm, but if there’s a spine... “Run'
I must say that the one you wrote originally is quite good too
That's one powerful metaphor at the last line.
ReplyDeleteHappy Friday
Much💛love
Very strong, vivid writing Magaly - truly stimulating... And what a strong finish to your 2013 piece: "Always whisper of salvation, of the truth
ReplyDeletethat lies eternal,
or until a sheep cares not to be mouthless." I love that...
Great update! And I also like the words in the photo -- "write without fear, edit without mercy"
ReplyDeleteThat re-write is hella killer and super timely all things considered. Beware the ones with a spine. We have a way of smashing boxes and using the left overs to build up the things we value.
ReplyDeleteMuch stronger rewrite (and certainly reflects on the strong woman you are."
ReplyDeleteIt is fun to see how we mature in our writing as years go by - both are very interesting and a few lines are sad to lose but this rewrite is powerful.
ReplyDeleteEdit without Mercy...... something I should practice more often.
ReplyDeleteI agree - the rewrite is much more powerful. Packs quite a punch!
ReplyDeleteI must say, the last line of the rewrite is a killer. :)
ReplyDeleteThe original is already good, but the rewrite is so much more intense, the imagery darker to help put the message across.
I think there are many "worms" that are about to grow spines in the USA, and the "squishers" had indeed better run!
ReplyDeleteYour original poem, wowza, what a punch of images and emotions! Your revision is subtle, but still takes a potent bite at the subject. Love them both.
ReplyDeleteNice tightened up poem.
ReplyDeletejust... wow!
ReplyDeleteThe sheep! The sheep! A perfect ending. It tells the whole story.
ReplyDeleteYour re-wright is so powerful. Brilliantly written my friend.
ReplyDeleteI actually love the line "burn (your own) revelations into her skull"... am so glad it stayed... strong resonance with reality we encounter, still, sadly.
ReplyDeleteThat's an accomplished rewrite, Maga. And that last line...it's pregnant with meaning.
ReplyDeleteExcellent rewrite! I love the sheep.
ReplyDeleteBoom! And I like how you narrowed it down in the rewrite.
ReplyDeleteAs with the others, I love love love that last line of the rewrite. The succinctness of the thought and feeling all boiled down to this... run. This girl's got your back.
ReplyDeleteVery nice.
ReplyDeleteMy good wishes.
All the best Jan