Passive Aggressive Mean Girl Meets Splendidly Vindictive Woman

Revenge isn’t a dish
best served cold—
I like my retaliation
hot, and spiced
up with all the facts.

- inspired by the event below (plus the realization that I can be as vindictive as the next human):

Some weeks ago, I was scheduled to post a nutrition and weight loss entry on the chronic illness group I belong to. After we were done with our virtual meeting, I asked if anyone could switch with me—I was too busy, my gallbladder attack and fatty liver problems had added too many new medical appointments to my schedule. Someone was happy to help, and while we discussed the details, another member (whom I assume believed herself muted) told someone off camera, “I guess Miss Does-No-Wrong’s magical and disciplined nutrition plan ain’t working like she expected it. Ha!”

One of the moderators heard her too, but I shook my head and mouthed “Don’t worry about it” before he could say anything. Later, he emailed me to say that I was a much better person than he at dealing with passive aggressive bullshit in such a civilized way. I told him not to give me so much credit, I just liked to take my time. And I did.

I waited until yesterday, when I knew that horrid woman and I had GI appointments at about the same time. I wore knee-high boots over jeans I hadn’t been able to wear in about 18 months, I topped it with a cute t-shirt that says, “Witchcraft and Gardening, because murder is wrong.” I walked in front of her ever so s l o w l y (yes, there was serious hip swaying too), and when I saw her surprised eyes were fully on me, I said, “I’ve lost 23 lbs. since I started my ‘magical and disciplined nutrition plan’. What about you?

She didn’t say anything. She just grabbed her bag and walked to a different section of the waiting room. I sat down, grin fueled by fresh revenge, feeling rather good about myself because I had enough kindness left not to end the exchange with, “Ha!”

photo by Dario Brönnimann, on Unsplash
(fine, so I fibbed about how much kindness I had left for her)

- for Poets and Storytellers United--Friday Writings #10: So, I Overheard…

Running Thoughts

Bouncing on my trampoline, I remember running on dirt (under trees and clouds and sun), the wind singing in my skull, my feet drumming to the song. I know I shouldn’t dwell on what was, but embrace what is. I just can’t help it. I love the feels brewed by bare feet on canvas, by flesh and bones and spirit on the move. Still, I miss running on dirt.

photo by Ramesh Iyer, on Unsplash
(I miss running on sand, too).

- for Poets and Storytellers United--Weekly Scribblings #89: Keeping It Real. If you aren’t interested in my Pseudo-Intermittent Fasting Challenge, do feel free to skip the rest.  Also linked to Writers’ Pantry #90: Why Do You Write and Share?

31 Weeks of Pseudo-Intermittent Fasting: What Actually Happened
Wed, Sep 1^st – Tue, Apr 5^th
(close to the end of week 4)

Some weeks ago, I said that the “Do Research, Come Up with a (realistic) Goal/Plan, Collect Battle Gear” stage of my Pseudo-Intermittent Fasting Challenge would last a week. Well, it lasted three. But that’s all right. This was the time to figure out what I wanted out of the challenge and gather the information/tools I would need to get me there. Here are the results of my search and some thought:

1. I was 165 lbs. when I started this challenge. According to professionals, who are supposed to know this stuff, the ideal weight for a 5’ 3” 44-years-stunning woman is 120 lbs. Since the last time I was 120 lbs. happened to be during a particularly terrible Crohn’s flare that left me resembling a lively cadaver, I shan’t be following that bit of instruction. Instead, I aim to weight about 131 lbs. Why? Because that is a very pretty number, which allows me and my vanity to look wonderfully hot in my favorite jeans.

2. I can do cardio every single day (hooray!). I should limit calisthenics and strength to every other day. And I must be mindful of my crappy left arm and right shoulder.     

3. To lose one pound a week, I’m supposed to consume about 1,400 calories. Most days my caloric intake doesn’t go over 1,200 calories. But every once in a while, I delight in a huge treat that can take my count to 1,700… which balances things out.

4. Instead of having bone broth for dinner every night, as I initially planned, I’ve been replacing one of my meals with bone broth or complementing two meals with a cup of bone broth. It’s been working like a charm.

5. The challenge is much less challenging than I thought it would be. I suspect that I will lose the extra 30-something pounds, I have been carrying around, a lot sooner than I thought. Also, having bone broth every day does such wonders for my tummy that I know the magic brew will remain part of my diet after the challenge is done.

Spelling Bone Broth

Be one with your ingredients (feel their essence, thank them for their sacrifice).
Observation isn’t enough (taste each color, touch all scents, talk to your broth).
No (healthy) relationship is unilateral (mind your food and it’ll feed your flesh).
“Edible” is as crucial as “Beneficial” (when choosing how to spice things up).

Brewing is a ritual of trust and of knowing (understand what you’re cooking).
Roasted bones and veggies add extra oomph to broth (in case you’re wondering).
Other individuals will always have other opinions (listen to what works for you).
Try different things (this is good advice for bone broth and for living).
Herbs add the magic touch (when spelling bone broth).

- for Poets and Storytellers United--Writers’ Pantry # 86: Words Never Die. If you are not interested in my Pseudo-Intermittent Fasting Challenge, feel free to skip the rest.

31 Weeks of Pseudo-Intermittent Fasting: The Planning Stage
Wed, Sep 1^st – Tue, Apr 5^th
(so I’ve already started *cough*)

Week 1: Do Research, Come Up with a (realistic) Goal/Plan, Collect Battle Gear – try to figure out what you want out of this challenge. How many pounds do you wish to lose? How often will you exercise? Talk to your doctor. Get a journal, and search for other tools that might help (i.e.,fitness and health calculators, exercise gear, calories info…).  

Weeks 2-5: Pay Close Attention to What You Eat (and keep a record) – you don’t need to become the strictest of calorie counters, but you should have an idea of how much you eat, when you eat it, and how the food makes you feel. The best way to do this is to keep a journal. Any notebook will do. Or, you can purchase a fancy food journal.

Weeks 6-8: Exclude Any Food that Has Caused You Discomfort (record this too) – this is one of the reasons why keeping a journal is so important. In order to put aside foods that are killing your gut, you must know what said foods actually are.

Weeks 9-11: Try Reintegrating Excluded Food You Don’t Wish to Give Up Completely – if some of the foods that make you sick (bloated, nauseated, sluggish, or worse…) happen to be foods you really love, this is the time to try to reintroduce them into your diet. This should be done slowly, starting with tiny portions, and one food at the time.

 Week 12: Review Weeks 1-11, Create a Healthy (and realistic!) Weight Loss Plan – so, now that you know your food and your body a bit better, craft a detailed plan to lose the extra weight. I wouldn’t try to lose more than 1 pound per week (but that’s just me).    

Weeks 13-31: Follow Your Weight Loss Plan until the Desired Weight (or significant body comfort) Is Achieved, then Create a Weight Maintenance Plan – I wish to lose 19 pounds, so I’m giving myself about 18 weeks. However (and I’m sure you already noticed this), if you’ve been watching your food closely and exercising from the beginning of the challenge, it’s very likely that you’ve already lost some weight. After you reach a point of comfort, adjust your nutrition and fitness plan to maintain said comfort.

* although I am sharing this with everyone, the “you” in this post is mostly me. Feel free to ignore parts or all of it. Add to the number of weeks or reduce the number of weeks. This is what I’m choosing to do. You should choose what works for you.

* here is my Bone Broth Recipe, for those of you who asked.

* best of luck. I will (most likely) share weekly updates on Instagram, and write a full post here at the end of each stage. 

31 Weeks of Pseudo-Intermittent Fasting; or, Bring on the Bone Broth

When I was young and strong and my gut was not a painful mess, I used to fast every year around my birthday. I would give myself 13 days to go from regular food, to no meat, to only veggies, to soups, to clear liquids, to a day of fasting. Then came Crohn’s and a weird gut bacterium and my approach to eating was never the same again. I can no longer fast. And I really miss the ritual (and the way my body and mind feel after fasting).

So, I’ve come up with an alternative: instead of my old 13 days to fasting, I am going to try 31 weeks of pseudo-intermittent fasting. I am not interested in real intermittent fasting, which involves way too much not eating for my taste. Still, I like the heart of the method (you can read about it here, or here if you aren’t a woman over 40). In intermittent fasting, a person eats only during a particular time of day or days of the week. Since I can’t do that, I shall fill my ‘no eating’ time with bone broth (which explains the “pseudo” in my title). My recent eating pattern included three meals, with snacks in between. In the following 31 weeks (Aug 31^st to Apr 5^th), things are going to look something like this:

* M, T, W, T, F, S: my usual breakfast and lunch; bone broth (and a treat) for dinner.
* Sundays: my usual breakfast; bone broth for lunch and dinner (yes, I still get my treat).
* I shall consume about 1,500 calories a day, which according to my nutritionist (and this calorie calculator) should help me lose about 1 pound a week (safely).

Why might this work for me? Well, because for many people, intermittent fasting is a pathway to ketosis (where the body is supposed to burn fat, for energy, instead of sugar); for me, pseudo-intermittent fasting is a way to reduce my caloric intake while delighting in all the delicious benefits of bone broth (and a treat). 😁

sip, sip… yum!

the wee notes…

- last week, in “Love Your Flesh”, I told you that the challenge was going to be called “13 Weeks of Pseudo-Intermittent Fasting; or, Bring on the Bone Broth”. But since a few people (who wish to this together) need/want to lose 30 pounds or more, I think 31 weeks makes more sense (and it’s a lot safer). So, next Saturday, I will share specific details of my “31 Weeks of Pseudo-Intermittent Fasting; or, Bring on the Bone Broth nutrition and fitness plan.

- for Poets and Storytellers United--Writers’ Pantry #86: Pet Training.